FORT MEADE, MD – Leaked documents from the National Security Agency have exposed 11 year old Daniel Parklin, better known by the username Jihad97, as an absolute noob.
Jihad97’s lack of basic gaming skills was brought to the attention of the NSA when he made a series of bomb-related threats responding to angry messages sent to him by teammates he had accidentally killed.
For months, Jihad97 has terrorized the online gaming community by blowing himself up with his own grenades, running around in circles in the corner of the map, and repeatedly asking how “use the tank”. The games in which Jihad97 has failed to play well include Call of Duty, Battlefield 4, and the main menu.
When questioned about the ethical issues of the surveillance, NSA Director Keith B. Alexander said that it represented a big step forward in the War on Noobs.
“Thankfully, millions of Xbox live players will no longer have to live in terror of being teamed with this absolute newbsauce,” said Alexander. “This is because he has been indefinitely detained in a secret interrogation facility.”
NSA officials say this is the most valuable intelligence gained by the agency since an electronically monitored game of truth or dare revealed that Sammy had a crush on Lucy.
