Montreal tourist unsure of Saint-Jean-Baptiste customs, takes gamble on getting drunk
MONTREAL — After touching down in Montreal on Saint-Jean-Baptiste Day, traveler Eric Wellford, unsure of the local customs, took an immense leap of faith by deciding to get profoundly drunk…
Nation that took over world sick of being controlled by external power
LONDON – The United Kingdom, a country whose empire once controlled and exploited half the world, has voted to free itself from the tyranny of the European Union. “I’m sick of my country be…
NHL approves future site of abandoned Las Vegas arena
LAS VEGAS – Las Vegas now knows the T-Mobile Arena will be the next derelict building after NHL Commissioner Gary Bettman announced the city will be getting an expansion hockey team for the…
Crosby voted NHL’s most valuable non-rapist
LAS VEGAS – At the National Hockey League’s star-studded event last night, Penguins captain and Stanley Cup champion Sidney Crosby was awarded the Harold Ballard Award, given annually to th…
Tories: Assault on Muslim would never had happened if attacker had access to barbaric practices hotline
OTTAWA – The Official Opposition has claimed that an attack on a Muslim woman in a London, Ontario grocery store could have been prevented if the accused had access to a Barbaric Cultural P…
Marvel unveils new Asian superhero: ‘Foreign Investor’
LOS ANGELES – Responding to backlash from fans for their lack of Asian characters, Marvel Studios has created a Chinese superhero, Foreign Investor, who will star in his own solo film. “This will…
Euro 2016 ratings take dive after being lightly bumped by opposing ratings
FRANCE – Ratings for the 2016 UEFA European Championships took a sharp and overly dramatic drop earlier today, after receiving the slightest contact from the ratings of opposing programming…
Health Canada allows gay men to donate blood so long as they go straight for a year
OTTAWA – Minister of Health Jane Philpott has announced that the federal government will be lifting the restriction on gay men’s blood donation so long as they have been heterosexual for th…
Avid vinyl collector buys first record player
VANCOUVER – After years of collecting vinyl, Joel Young, a barista and amateur longboarder from Kitsilano, BC has finally purchased a record player. “I love collecting records. The touch of the c…
Don Cherry’s personal support worker to host Hockey Night in Canada
TORONTO – Don Cherry’s personal care worker has learned that he will be the host of Hockey Night in Canada replacing George Stroumboulopoulos. The support worker, simply known as “Ron”, has…
