FAIRFAX, VA – The National Rifle Association has issued a press release expressing its ‘sincerest regrets’ for the mass shooting that will, with ‘complete certainty,’ happen tomorrow on a college campus, street corner, movie theatre or other public place in the United States.
“We are deeply saddened by the gun-related incident that will take place exactly sixteen hours from now,” wrote NRA President Oliver North. “But we can’t be so flimsy in our convictions that we yell ‘gun control’ every time we know, beyond question, that some people are about to be murdered in a bout of uncontrolled gun violence.”
“If anything,” added North. “We must think about giving ourselves more freedom to buy weapons so that we can protect ourselves and our communities from tomorrow’s unstoppable carnage.”
Sources report that the perpetrator of the imminent atrocity, who either suffers from an untreated mental illness or is a terrorist depending on his skin colour, is currently acquiring firearms without bureaucratic impediment.
But while the NRA has conceded this, along with the incontrovertible fact that he will then use those firearms to kill a dozen of his peers before turning the gun on himself, they assert that “nothing, absolutely nothing” can be done about it.
In light of the forthcoming massacre, nearly every media outlet has begun reporting on it with more emphasis on the shooter than his victims, and Congressional Democrats have somberly denounced the status quo in a special statement.
“We devote entire agencies to preventing terrorist attacks on our soil, and rightfully so,” said Pelosi. “And all I’m asking now is that we conduct a background check on the person we know beyond a shadow of doubt is going to kill a large number of innocents tomorrow.”
“Please?”
Although the incident is less than a day from occurring, the nation’s outrage has completely abated.
