BRAZZAVILLE, CONGO – A Yukon River Quest team that failed to finish the 715 km canoe and kayak race was last spotted deep in the Congo-Chambeshi River system.
The dishevelled team of four who left Whitehorse over a year ago continued to paddle, curse their maps, and complain about how long their quest is taking.
“I was just following the other guys,” lamented a long-bearded Tim Howard who was responsible for steering his team on a journey that should have lasted a maximum of five days. “How did I know that a large body of water were were in with no land in sight was the Pacific Ocean?”
The team of young adventurists somehow managed to cross two oceans, dodge Malaysian pirates, and survive three weeks of forced labour on a shrimping vessel before reaching what they thought was the Yukon River.
“My arms are sore and this crocodile bite only seems to be getting worse,” moaned a heavily dehydrated Tyler Boraldsen. “And my dengue fever keeps flaring up. Maybe we should just turn back to Whitehorse soon?”
Still, there were some team members who remained confident that they would reach their destination.
“Wait, this group of shacks with locals wielding machetes might be Dawson City,” said a delusional Hannah Lavinge as they approached a warlord’s camp. “I think this is definitely Dawson, guys! Paddle faster!”