OTTAWA – Reports from the Three Amigos Summit yesterday indicated that the leaders of Mexico and the USA had threatened to increase tariffs 12% unless Prime Minister Trudeau quit being a bitch and ate the scorpion at the bottom of the tequila bottle he’d just polished off.
“Oh shit, you drained that fucker! I guess I owe you a fiver, Obama,” said Enrique Nieto, the 57th President of Mexico, pointing to the now empty bottle of agave spirits. “And hey, Trudeau, if you eat our little friend I might go easy on you with your next transit order.”
The Three Amigos Summit, which occurs whenever all three leaders can get away from the office, is a strategic and economic meeting between the nations of North America and one of the few opportunities for the Heads of State to get loaded together, like the old times.
“Come on, you pussy!” said Obama, leader of the world’s largest economy, while Trudeau stared at the small, still wet arachnid, amping himself up. “It’s just a widdle baby scorpion. It’s not like you’re dealing with a mass shooting every fucking day. Just do it!”
“If you do it maybe the ol’ USA suddenly needs a billion more barrels of oil.”
Observers report that, after several aborted countdowns, Trudeau finally tossed the scorpion into his mouth to the drunken cheers of two of the most powerful men in the New World.
“Why did we wait so long to do this? I miss you guys,” said Trudeau as Obama and Nieto carried him toward his bedroom following the marathon diplomacy session. “No, no, no. Leave me outside. You’ll wake up Sophie. God. She’s so great. Don’t you guys think she’s so great?”
At press time, Trudeau was cleaning the vomit from his back seat after giving a still-wasted Nieto a lift to the airport.
