Nation’s spittoon manufacturers suffer 125th straight annual loss
RUSTY CREEK – Financial reports out of Rusty Creek, Idaho, the location of the headquarters of the four largest U.S. spittoon manufacturers, have confirmed that spittoon profits are down yet agai…
3rd Amendment warrior warns Clinton will quarter soldiers in private homes without owner’s consent
Mobile, Alabama – 3rd Amendment values voter Rusty Scofield warns that Hillary Clinton secretly plans to abolish the US Constitution’s 3rd Amendment, in order to house soldiers in citizen’s…
Polls suggest Canadians want minorities to assimilate to culture they can’t define
CANADA – New polls suggest that 68% of Canadians want minorities to assimilate to Canadian culture while simultaneously having no idea what that really means. “Canada is a cultural mosaic,”…
Dog stuck in hot car actually just wanted to see his owner’s window broken
ST. CATHARINES, ON – Investigators are piecing together an incident from earlier this summer where Mr. Pickles, the Williams’ family dog, took great pleasure in watching a bystander smash the win…
BREAKING: Donald Trump’s 2015 tax return revealed
NEW YORK – Republican candidate Donald Trump’s 2015 tax return was recently leaked to the press and shows that the billionaire has claimed millions in business expenses and having an income…
Tearful goodbye as woman slides into large wool turtleneck for next 6 months
MONTREAL – Friends and colleagues wished Mara Côté a heartfelt goodbye this afternoon, as the notoriously chilly account manager slid effortlessly inside an oversized wool turtleneck for the dura…
Parliament forced to re-vote after pile of wet flour mistaken for Tom Mulcair
OTTAWA – In a surprising turn of events this week, Parliament was forced to retake a vote after a pile wet flour was mistaken for NDP leader Thomas Mulcair. “I just assumed [Thomas Mulcair]…
World Cup of Hockey won by plucky, Canadian overdogs
TORONTO – Coming from ahead and proving to the world that they are exactly what everyone says they are, team Canada has confirmed the odds were accurate by attaining a completely expected v…
Mississauga-born MP caught lying about being born in Toronto
TORONTO – A Globe and Mail investigation into an MP’s actual birthplace has revealed that Science Minister Kirsty Duncan was, in fact, born in neighbouring Mississauga rather than the City …
BREAKING: Audience members sought for live taping of The Beaverton TV show
TORONTO – Coming this Fall to TVs and TV-like devices is The Beaverton… BUT you can get a sneak preview now by attending a FREE TAPING and being part of our live studio audience! Not …
