Shut the fuck up and listen, you pansy-ass Democrats. Last night you all tried to impeach me, Pete Hegseth, Secretary of War and Anti-Woke Crusader, for “war crimes,” “following illegal orders,” and “being incredibly bad at my job.” Well, you cuck losers all failed, and you know what happens when you fail in Pete Hegseth’s America? You get war crime-ed. That’s right, I’ve got five war crimes comin’ in hot for ya, and there’s nothing you DEI-suckling crybabies can do about it.
War Crime 1: I will be hunting down all 204 Democrats who voted to impeach me and unlawfully confining them in the one place I know they hate most: the gym. Ha ha, get it? Because they’re all fatties! Radical, wimpy fatties! And I’m not letting them go until they can do more pull-ups than me. Good luck doing two whole pull-ups, you pudgy losers!
War Crime 2: I’m gonna hold all 11 Democrats who didn’t vote hostage until they admit that they weren’t stuck in traffic, they just secretly didn’t want to impeach me because of how absolutely manly I am.
War Crime 3: I am declaring that no quarter will be given to Thomas Massie, the traitor congressman who betrayed his people and called for my impeachment. That’s right: I’ve spoken to President Trump, and Massie won’t be receiving any coin-based money from the United States’ government anymore. He’s gonna be a broke-ass little bitch in no time! What? Why are you laughing at me? Stop laughing at me!
War Crime 4: I have instructed the U.S. Ambassador to Canada, Pete Hoekstra, to pillage and plunder the entire province of Toronto in order to steal as much craft beer as humanly possible, and then I’m drinking all that craft beer and forcing Hakeem Jeffries to listen to me sing the karaoke version of “Born in the USA” until he wusses out and goes back to wherever he came from.
War Crime 5: And finally, the next Democrat who even thinks the word “impeach” will be used as a human shield in order to protect me from the scary mean guard who yelled at me at the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier today.
So suck on that, Democrats! Bet you feel stupid now, huh? Petey Hegs, over and out!
