“Here he comes, here he comes,” whispered Pope Francis as the carpenter-turned-deity cautiously poked His head out of His cave. “Shhhh! Everyone be quiet or we’ll spook him.”
Observers report that the Son of God sniffed tentatively around the boulder that had been blocking the entrance to His short-term grave. After a few moments, He noticed His shadow on the ground and gave a small yelp of fear before racing back beneath the earth.
“Aw nuts,” said Justin Welby, the Archbishop of Canterbury, as Christ the Redeemer’s high-pitched whining echoed off the stone walls. “I really didn’t want to do another 42 egg hunts.”
While most agree that the little Guy is usually right, some say that the Messiah cannot actually predict when Easter ends and that the whole “Anointed One seeing his shadow” is just a crazy superstition.
“Oh yeah, I’m sure the Lamb of God knows so much more about when Easter ends than our modern, technologically-advanced priests and theologians,” said William G. Sinkford, senior Unitarian minister. “Jesus should stick to normal stuff like walking on water and healing lepers. Leave the length of holidays to the professionals.”
This will be the longest Easter since 1999, when the last Christ died during a late frost and it took two full months to resurrect Him.
With files by Alice Moran