Nation’s women fucking done with this shit
CANADA – Sources report that the nation’s women are so fucking done with all this goddamn bullshit. If you assault women, it’s your fault, and your problem. Fucking get it together or get t…
Ghomeshi Judge: “We must fight against the stereotype that women tell the truth”
TORONTO – In a decisive ruling, Ghomeshi trial Judge William Horkins urged Canadians to remain vigilant against the baseless notion that women are ever truthful about sexual assault, victim…
Clown car careens off cliff, hundreds dead
TORONTO – Tragedy struck the 401 Express today as a car carrying several clowns careened off of a steep embankment while en route to the upcoming Oshawa Clown Festival. First responder Alex Hinds…
Ghomeshi thanks Crown, police for their excellent work on his defence
TORONTO — Former CBC personality Jian Ghomeshi expressed his appreciation for the police and prosecution, thanking them for all their hard work in ensuring his acquittal on charges of sexua…
For first time, computer wins game of chess against Death
MOUNTAIN VIEW, CA – After defeating a human player in the game of Go, Google’s Deepmind AlphaGo computer has also become the first computer to win a game of chess against Death. “We’re thri…
R-rated cut of Batman vs. Superman to include deleted ‘make-up sex’ scene
HOLLYWOOD – Batman vs. Superman: Dawn of Justice director Zack Snyder has confirmed a forthcoming R-rated release of the film including a deleted scene of the two heroes reconciling sexuall…
Panelists decide which author to execute on day 3 of Canada Reads
TORONTO – Partway through another day of grueling debate, the Canada Reads panelists are still deciding which of the three remaining authors will be sacrificed today to guarantee another ye…
Tories slam Liberal budget’s reckless acknowledgement of First Nations, veterans
OTTAWA – Conservative Party leaders had harsh words for the federal budget tabled by Finance Minister Bill Morneau yesterday, blasting the Liberal government for its “irresponsible” acknowledgeme…
Rebel goes to bed without wearing her retainer
NORTH BAY, ON — In what is being called a rebellious act of defiance of society’s rules, 17-year-old Sarah Elea has gone to sleep without wearing her orthodontic retainer. The inciden…
Trudeau edges budget halfway off table to demonstrate it balancing itself
OTTAWA – Prime Minister Justin Trudeau has silenced critics by carefully placing the Liberal government’s budget halfway off of a table, where according to sources it teetered precariously …
