KYIV, UKRAINE – A bombshell report by the Wall Street journal reveals that SpaceX and Starlink CEO Elon Musk personally meddled with Ukrainian missile defence systems by downgrading their internet to Rogers.
The report reveals that Musk, who has boasted about being in regular contact for years with Vladimir Putin, sought to leave Ukraine vulnerable to Russian missile and drone bombardment by downgrading their defence systems from Starlink satellite uplink to the far inferior Rogers Xfinity 150 Mbps Starter plan.
“The world already knew that Elon Musk is a cruel robber baron who eliminated USAID and gives Nazi salutes at the president’s inauguration,” explains Ukrainian defense specialist Iryna Chernenko, “But without warning to switch our service to a low speed Canadian telecom monopoly, it’s barbaric.”
Chernenko added, gravely, “We can’t use these download speed to coordinate our drones to defend a hospital. We can’t even use them to stream Netflix in two separate rooms!”
International observers reports that Russia’s President Putin has been emboldened by Musk’s internet sabotage, raising his threat level from “War Crimes” to “War Crimes plus targeting literal playgrounds”. In response, Ukrainians are urging NATO to restore their regular non-Rogers internet.
“We tried to call Rogers Customer Service to see if they could at least upgrade our router,” explains Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelenskyy, “but they said their technician would arrive sometime between 8am and next Spring.”
Over on X, the platform formerly known as Twitter, Elon Musk addressed the revelations that he was personally responsible for the Ukrainian Rogers attack.
“I would never do something as monstrous as force someone onto such a primitive internet provider,” posted Musk while ignoring his children who have yet to go no-contact. “But it’s also such an awesome dank maneuver that only I could come up with something so evilly brilliant.”
Musk then unveil three more fake flying Teslas to distract from his Ukraine sabotage.
In a related story, President Trump is demanding to know how soon he can deploy American troops to fight for Russia in Ukraine.
