EDITORIAL: Just a heads up that your cousin Michael is gay now – by Aunt Pam
Merry Christmas, Tompkins family! It’s time for my holiday family newsletter and it’s an important one, so read closely. Even though there’s lots going on in the Tompkins clan, I just thought eve…
Liberals unveil new rock-paper-scissors protocols to determine immigrants’ futures
OTTAWA — At a press conference on Thursday the federal government announced that they would replace the outmoded first-come first-serve immigration application process with a global rock-p…
Canadians overcome adversity: BeavFeed
These Canadians told us their stories, and what happens next will blow your mind!…
Wow! This advent calendar has 23 days of treats and one day containing a note saying your aunt has died
We thought we had seen everything under the sun for the Christmas season. But this year, a wild new advent calendar is taking the holiday by storm with its innovative new design! Much like other …
Woman home for holidays gears up to pretend to know how to hold a baby in front of other women
STRATFORD, ON — With the holiday season just around the corner, happily childless woman Laura Keller has been preparing for the inevitable moment when a baby will be thrust into her arms under th…
Conservative Party Leadership Profile: Chris Alexander
Name: Chris Alexander Background In high school, Alexander participated in Model United Nations and successfully negotiated a peace accord between the Jordan delegate who was accused of stealing …
Guide To: Nova Scotia
Nova Scotia, is it just another New Brunswick? The Beaverton Guide To is here to help with your weekly dose of educational content, Canadian Geography edition!…
Ontario economy booming after entire month without Liberal fuckup
QUEEN’S PARK – Ontario’s economy has picked up in the last month, owing in part to the Wynne government’s recent decision to stop totally cocking things up. “Ontario is creating more jobs t…
Breaking: Sleeping man unaware of oncoming traffic
VANCOUVER – On his drive from West Van to Burnaby, experienced commuter Richard Blair has fallen into a deep sleep and is completely oblivious of several rapidly approaching vehicles. “Holy…
Local woman stuck in endless “lather, rinse, repeat” recursive hair-washing loop
SHERBROOKE, QC – Closely following the instructions on a bottle of Garnier Fructis Volume Extend Fortifying shampoo that reads “lather, rinse, repeat,” a local woman is stuck in a never-end…
