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Mike Flynn offers to testify in exchange for immunity to dioxin poisoning

WASHINGTON – The former national security adviser told the FBI, House, and Senate intelligence committees that he’s willing to cooperate with an investigation into the ’s campaign ties to Russia, as long as he’s offered the antidote to dioxin, and other assassination-related poisons.

In his brief stint as one of the highest ranking aides in the White House, Flynn was given access to a number of classified foreign policy documents. It’s unclear how much information the former campaign adviser will be able to supply to Congress in their attempt to uncover Trump’s role in Putin’s effort to influence the 2016 election, although it should be very apparent how much he knows about Russian murder plots.

“Mr. Flynn knows more than anyone the danger he may have just put himself in by potentially disclosing Trump’s alleged-treasonous relationship with a Russia,” explained Flynn’s attorney, Robert Kelner. “Which is why we’ve also included an indemnity clause for a serum that allows you to survive being tossed off a fourth floor balcony.”

Flynn’s plea bargain also includes requests for a bullet-proof vest, a blunt force trauma-proof helmet, and a round of physician-monitored polonium Mithridatism, the practice of gradually administering non-lethal amounts to build up a tolerance to the radioactive substance.

At press time, Flynn was attempting to undergo reconstructive facial surgery to make himself unrecognizable.