Tim Hortons employees completely unaware of what’s on menu

BURLINGTON, ON – Several customers were forced to leave a Tim Hortons hungry yesterday after staff of the coffee shop admitted that none of them had any idea what was on the menu. Like many…

The Beaverton launches crowdfunding campaign to finance investigative report on why Ezra Levant is such a fuckface

Dear Readers, What the fuck is wrong with Ezra Levant? After the terrorist attack on a Quebec City mosque resulted in the arrest of a lone gunman, Alexandre Bissonette – a noted white natio…

Groundhog predicts there are only 9 springs left

  BREAKING: The Groundhog Day winter prediction got a little weird…

Quiz: Can you make it through the “extreme vetting” Donald Trump is proposing for visitors to the U.S.?

Donald Trump has proposed more stringent criteria for people wishing to enter the United States of America. Here is an exclusive view of the questions would-be visitors must answer. Sources Prayi…

Local man too old and tired to pretend he doesn’t like Coldplay

TORONTO – Creeping into his late twenties and starting to notice the small signs of inevitable decline in his body, local man Jason Santos no longer cares enough to pretend he doesn’t enjoy…

New Ontario driver’s test includes post-structural philosophy, euclidean geometry

Barry’s Bay, ON – Ontarians looking to obtain their driver’s licenses will now be required to brush up on their semioticians, Derrida, and mathematics before they’re permitted to drive. Off…

Michael Chong starting to think Tories aren’t very left-wing at all

OTTAWA – Tory leadership hopeful Michael Chong reiterated his reservations this week about the rhetoric espoused by his rivals for the party’s nomination, telling supporters that he’s starting to…

Is Saskatchewan finally having its moment?

  We finally give some coverage to the Land of the Living Skies.…

Obama finding it hard to fall asleep without sound of LBJ’s ghost bragging about its ghost dick

WASHINGTON, D.C. – After eight years of trying to sleep while the ghost of Lyndon Baines Johnson stalked up and down the Presidential bedroom, ranting about the size of its spectral phallus…

Editorial: Is the French Canadian keyboard too good for question marks nowÉ

Editorial by: Morgan Levin I am a good person who enjoys the simpler things in life. What I’d like to know is what sin I must have committed in a past life to warrant the impromptu switching of k…