Portage and Main: Winnipeg considers removing pedestrian barriers, armed guard tower that fires at jaywalkers
WINNIPEG – The City of Winnipeg is mulling over the possible removal of pedestrian barriers and an armed guard tower that opens fire on any jaywalkers trying to cross at Portage and Main. T…
Shadowy cabal agrees to buy bigger conference table
ZURICH – The clandestine organization of billionaire power brokers responsible for controlling the world’s destiny has reportedly decided to purchase a larger conference table. “The vote is…
Torrie Lauren: Lamestream Media
Torrie knows exactly who is to blame for Trump’s poll numbers.…
Emergency officials: Is your home 72 hours booze prepared?
TORONTO – Emergency management officials are advising citizens to plan for booze-related disasters by having at least 72 hours worth of alcoholic beverages. “Being aware of the risks of not…
DEVELOPING: Woman who said “Long story short” still fucking talking
ETOBICOKE- At 8:39pm, local woman Sofia Cara entered into a conversation with neighbour Jennifer Moore that has yet to end. “I knew at minute twenty one, when she said ‘long story shortR…
Hanlan’s Point flooding drives nudist herd inland
TORONTO – Prolonged flooding at Hanlan’s Point Beach on the Toronto Island has forced the area’s endemic nudist population to migrate to the mainland, sparking a flurry of nudist sightings …
Toronto Zoo torn down to make room for animal condos
TORONTO – Citing the increasing cost of housing and a higher population density, the Toronto Zoo has announced that they will be tearing down all exhibits to make space for three high-rise …
High school graduate taking year off to throw up in exotic locations
TORONTO – Local 12th grade student Lindsay Fleming is planning on taking a year off between high school and university so she can travel around the world, find herself, and puke up booze in…
Caveman artist enters mammoth period
Chauvet Cave, FRANCE – The Cave art scene was abuzz this week with news that local cave art star Drog has officially dropped horses and entered his Mammoth period. “Drog draw mammoth …
Canada’s new superiority complex shattered by cursory glance at CBC comments section
OTTAWA — In a crushing blow to its upcoming 150th anniversary celebrations, Canada’s emerging sense of comparative superiority to the United States was shattered this week, following a casual loo…
