STOCKHOLM – A study published this week by the University of Gothenburg’s Sahlgrenska Academy states that cellphone use in teenagers drastically inhibits the development of young adults’ basic skulking skills.
The study was conducted on 40 healthy subjects, who were split into a control group with limited access to cellphones, and an experimental group who were given their parents’ credit card information and unmonitored access to the app store.
The shocking findings, authored by Dr. Astrid Heldgerten, reveal that after only thirty days, members of the experimental group could be left in the street for hours without appearing at all shifty, or clearly-up-to-something.
While the control group could spend no more than ten minutes in a McDonalds parking lot without starting to restlessly climb embankments, push over trash bins, and make people walking to their cars suspicious and uncomfortable, every single adolescent in the experimental group was no longer able to even to brazenly laugh at a yelled obscenity.
Instead, the entire control group would stand or sit in quiet communion with their electronic device, occasionally chuckling at a particularly cathartic meme.
It is unclear at this time what the wider effects of this study will be, but it is definitive proof of the danger that cell phone use poses to the danger of teenagers.