TORONTO – Local housemate Taylor Harrison has made another altruistic donation to her hair to the shared shower wall. The donation of 12 strands that varied in length was made early this morning...
Returning astronauts waiting for right moment to bring up the “bad thing”
Florida – A group of returning astronauts have been trying to find the perfect moment to bring up ‘the bad thing’ they saw in space. “Before reaching Entry Interface we all agr...
Mayor of Vegreville: “Shit shit shit, is the egg hatching?!”
VEGREVILLE, AB – Residents of the central Alberta town of Vegreville are growing concerned that the town’s giant egg is hatching, causing the mayor to issue a statement. “Shit shit shit,” said V...
Quebec demands English Canada recognize its distinct racism
QUEBEC CITY – The government of Quebec has passed a new law banning the Niqab as a way to prove that their brand of racism is unique and independent from the racism prevalent in the rest of Cana...
Andrew Scheer dismantles pro-white supremacy news outlet by hiring everyone who works for it
OTTAWA – Conservative leader Andrew Scheer is waging a one man crusade against white supremacy in Canadian media by hiring away everyone who works for far-right media outlet The Rebel. “The Cana...
Quebec fights back against Islamic extremism by oppressing women and religious minorities
MONTREAL – Quebecers are celebrating today after the Liberal government passed a bill outlawing the use of religious veils in government-owned spaces, finally striking a blow against militant Is...
Nation could really use Gord Downie’s songwriting to help them process Gord Downie’s death
KINGSTON – Waking up to the news of Gord Downie’s death, the nation was forced to confront the fact that the only thing that could help them deal with this tragedy would be a moving ballad...
Liberals announce plan to just let every Canadian choose their own tax rate
Luke and the Panel (Ryan Dillon, Rebecca Reeds and Scott Montgomery) talk about Quebec’s new Niqab ban, Quebec’s distinct Islamophobia, the Liberals ‘choose your own adventure’...
Dyson unveils first ever vacuumless bag
MALMESBURY, UK – In a remarkable feat of engineering, English technology company Dyson, Ltd. has produced a bag that works entirely without the need for a vacuum cleaner. “I was at home one week...
Pizza Pizza celebrates 50th anniversary by ordering Dominos for entire office
TORONTO – In order to celebrate serving what could be described as pizza for 50 years, Pizza Pizza bought all their employees Dominos for lunch. “Everyone is super excited to be rewarded for our years...
