Thirty-year-old man horny for twenty-year-old’s old soul
MONTREAL – Describing the twenty minutes he spent leering at her across Grumpy’s Bar as an overwhelming intellectual connection, Philip Marshall, 30, announced Friday that he was extremely …
Oddly hostile entrepreneur pitches Dragons’ Den his business idea for paying off politicians’ campaign debts
TORONTO – Last night’s episode of Dragons’ Den got a bit confrontational after none of the Dragons expressed an interest in Devin O’Kerry’s idea for a business whose sole purpose would be t…
Vimy Ridge: Canada becomes a nation after killing Germans for Britain on French soil
An excerpt from The Beaverton Presents Glorious and/or Free: The True History of Canada. Available where books are sold. April 9, 1917 VIMY, FRANCE – Following more than a century of strugg…
Protesters as shocked as you are that they actually managed to halt Trans Mountain Pipeline
BURNABY, BC – Surprise washed over protesters on Sunday as oil conglomerate Kinder Morgan announced that construction of the Trans Mountain Pipeline had suddenly come to a stop. “Seriously?…
QUIZ: Okay! Which one of you assholes got me sick?
Alright, this weather is garbage and now I’m sneezing and coughing. Which one of you assholes at work got me sick? Images via Pixabay/Deposit Photos…
Doug Ford promises to bring blue-collar manufacturing jobs back to Ontario’s robots
TORONTO – Progressive Conservative leader Doug Ford outlined his plan to fix Ontario’s manufacturing sector, bringing hundreds of thousands of jobs to the province’s rustbelt robots. “Manuf…
Local liberal arts campus closed for deconstruction
VANCOUVER – This morning, the Emily Carr University of Art and Design announced that its main campus will be shuttering over the summer for a large-scale deconstruction project. “It’s been …
Woman assembles crack team of six to determine if ex-boyfriend seeing someone new
STEINBACH, MB – 26-year-old Jacqueline Westan spent the majority of this past weekend alongside a specialized, crack team of six of her best friends in an attempt to identify whether or not…
Liberals backtrack on their promise to only backtrack on 50% of their promises
OTTAWA – Justin Trudeau’s Liberal Party continues to find the reality of governing more difficult than making campaign promises. After electoral reform and environmental protection they are…
Investigators baffled by mysterious body found inside wooden box buried under stone marker
GRIMSBY, ON – After weeks of extensive investigation the RCMP announced today that they have absolutely no clue how, or why a body was buried six feet under ground, beneath a large stone cross, i…
