STELLARTON, NS – After finding his first round of sanctions ineffective in motivating his 5-year-old son to clothe himself, father of two, John Carlin, has vowed to increase economic penalties Saturday in hopes of pressuring the child into a course of action in line with interpersonal obligations.
“It is unacceptable to flagrantly disregard societal norms and not anticipate some sort of consequences from the economic superpowers in the region,” said the Carlin father, adding that his son Mason Carlin is capable of dressing himself and has done so many times in the past.
“But since he has taken a hard turn against clothing today, I have no choice but to use all the leverage I have to convince the young boy that he needs to get clothes on so we can get to Ethan’s birthday party, for which we are already late.”
The sanctions began with threats to withhold Mason’s already meager allowance, which was met with derision as the undressed boy continued to assemble his Batman Lego with no concern whatsoever about when, if ever, the family would arrive at the birthday party. The tactic having proven ineffective, the father has warned that, if no progress is made towards leaving the house looking presentable, Mason’s access to Easter chocolate in the treat cupboard would be restricted, with the potential of being cut off entirely, for upwards of four hours.
Despite these restrictions, morale remained high inside Mason’s bedroom. “While Dad’s threats are obviously disturbing, and extremely deleterious to diplomatic relations between us, I am not concerned in the least that I will be suffering from a lack of treats anytime in the near future,” said Mason, citing several stockpiles of goldfish crackers in his room as a source of snacks.
A ripple effect has already been observed throughout the region, with Mason’s younger sister, Ivy, bursting into tears at the prospect of any restrictions on the flow of treats coming from the treat cupboard. The shrill piercing cries show no signs of subsiding, and have aggravated an already tense atmosphere.
At press time, Mason’s mother Heather was attempting to broker a deal between the two sides, offering her son 11 minutes of screen time if he would only put on his ninja turtles underwear.