GOMBE STREAM NATIONAL PARK, TZ – A troop election for the new alpha-male has turned sour after both campaign teams have accused the other of feces-throwing and biting.
“This is a desperate smear campaign launched by my opponent,” said Momo about his opponent, Kaak. “I wanted to talk about the real issues like chimp care and eating those figs over there in the trees, but Kaak showed his true colours by flinging his own excrement at me and my females.”
At a meet-and-groom on the forest floor, Kaak denied the charges by his opponent, and accused his competitor of biting. He also slammed Momo, 29, for being too old for the top job.
“I’ve been bitten harder by better monkeys,” explained Kaak checking his supporters for parasites and then eating them. “Momo is too soft on his nut cracking policies and won’t protect our folks from the warring troop near the river.”
Analysts have described the campaign as “dirty and personal”, which started a week ago after the previous alpha-male, Mr. Wiggles, announced his retirement by falling out of a tree and dying.
Meanwhile, pollsters have called this one of the closest contests they’ve ever seen with nearly all 32 troop members hollering and hooting their support for both candidates when surveyed.
Election results will not be available until one of the two candidates concedes by running away in defeat.
