Menlo Park, CA – 2.2 billion Facebook users were shocked when it was revealed today that Facebook is the largest friend-based Ponzi scheme in history and the vast majority of users had made no friends on the service.
“I thought I’d made thousands of friends,” said crushed Facebook user Dan Finter. “Many more than those I lost by constantly ignoring them because I was on Facebook. But when I asked my Facebook friends to help me move, they all disappeared. I’ve been using this site for years and it turns out I didn’t make any friends at all.”
The pyramid nature of the social media behemoth was only discovered due to a drop off in new users following recent privacy concerns about the site. When the flow of new friends into the friendpool dried up it became clear the only people who have made friends on Facebook were the first several hundred users to sign up for it when it was launched in 2004.
“I was invited to join, then I got my friends to join, then they got their friends to join,” Harvard Alum and early Facebook adopter Hilary Jones said. “I made hundreds then thousands then millions of friends. In retrospect, it seems so obvious what this was. At the time I just assumed it was because I’m so awesome.”
“I… I’m ashamed to say, I got my parents into this. I sent them the link. They’re ruined. They were planning to fund their retirement selling vitamins and weight loss tea to all their Facebook friends. I had to lend them ten thousand friends just to see them through to the end of the year.”
At press time, Facebook was seen hustling a confused Instagram and WhatsApp onto a plane bound for a country with no extradition and very slow wifi.