TORONTO – The Globe and Mail is making a number of editorial and design changes to better focus on their most loyal demographic, people who have passed away whose families have not remembered to end their subscriptions.
“The deceased have been our most consistent audience over the last couple of years and our redesign recognises that.” said Publisher Phillip Crawley before wistfully staring at the print edition while muttering “I have a lot of experience with things that are dying.”
The new changes include moving the obituaries to the front page, changing to paper that will biodegrade as it piles up on the doorstep of apartments and having each issue contain at least two articles about how organised religion was right and there is for sure an afterlife. Sources confirmed the comics page will remain but will be the same Sherman’s Lagoon cartoon every time.
The pivot away from ‘living people issues’ has lead to downsizing in departments such as sports, local news, national news, arts, international news, lifestyle and opinion. Weather remains but is simply “Sunny in Heaven, Hot in Hell”. Editor in Chief David Walmsley has confirmed the the stock market reports will remain untouched since “even if they’re dead they are still Globe readers.”
To support the redesign the Globe and Mail has started targeting marketing towards hospice centres. In addition to the dead the Globe and Mail research shows the print edition continues to sell well among people starting a campfire, packing silverware, doing paper mache or hate reading John Doyle.
“We keep trying to make inroads with the ‘alive’ elderly but they just think we’re too out of touch.” stated Crawley “All it takes is someone’s grandkid teaching them how to use an iPad and then there’s one less subscriber.”
The Globe’s move is part of an ongoing trend in the print media industry. Many other newspaper companies have found success in appealing to single demographics such as Village Media’s focus on hyper local news or Postmedia focusing on the strongly contested demographic of idiots.