QUIZ: Are you a very stable genius?
True genius is a delicate thing. Often brilliant minds are plagued with neuroses or mental illness. But sometimes, perhaps once every few generations, a truly stable genius emerges. One whose con…
Five questions white people ask when they don’t want to say ‘what race are you?’
Ethnicity is a complicated and deeply personal matter, so naturally it’s one of the first things strangers want to know about you. If you’re ethnically ambiguous, here’s a few of the well-meaning…
Local father mentions ethnicity of everyone in story for some reason
KINGSTON — While telling an anecdote about work to his children, local father George Stelling managed to specify the ethnicity of every person in the story for reasons unknown to anyone lis…
Introducing a new gym that is perfect for your New Years resolution
Watch this exclusive clip from The Beaverton.…
REPORT: Winnipeg unable to take your cold weather complaints seriously
WINNIPEG – Reacting to a recent cold spat encompassing most of the country, the city of Winnipeg and the surrounding townships have been unable to take everyone else’s complaints about the …
Andrew Scheer takes decisive action after Senator Beyak’s 2,647th racist comment
OTTAWA – Conservative Party Leader Andrew Scheer has made a swift decision after removing Senator Lynn Beyak from party caucus after her 2,647th dumbfoundingly racist comment towards indige…
Antichrist able to hire five horsewomen of the apocalypse for the cost of four horsemen
WASHINGTON, DC – In light of the fast-approaching end times, the Antichrist has elected to take advantage of a gender wage gap that sees women earn approximately 20% less than men by hiring…
Dad approaches Home Depot employee like a well versed pick-up artist
ETOBICOKE – In what was an entirely nonsexual but definitely premeditated act, reports indicate that local father Peter Edwards, 55, approached Home Depot employee Garrett Sims, 22, with th…
Tesla’s new electric transport trucks able to travel up to 800 km on single charge while hauling 40,000 litres of oil
PALO ALTO, CA – As part of their continuing mission to create a green energy revolution, Tesla’s new line of electric transport trucks are said to be able to transport a full freight tank o…
Tim Hortons heirs encourage minimum wage employees to inherit their own coffee chains
COBURG, ON — After cutting employee benefits and paid breaks, the heirs to the Tim Hortons fortune are encouraging their minimum wage employees to make up the lost earnings by inheriting mu…
