Jack-of-all-trades unemployable in most trades
TIMMINS, ON – Self-proclaimed “Jack-of-all-trades” Harvey Koppel has been unemployed for the last 18 months after finding that his broad-ranging skills did not translate to the workforce. K…
Ford promises killing Greenbelt will finally allow oil pipeline between Barrie and Oshawa
TORONTO – Showing once again his keen mind for policy, Doug Ford has promised that destroying the Ontario Greenbelt will finally allow the kind of oil pipeline development that Canada has b…
Parents told their baby ‘looks just like them’ mistakenly interpret that as a compliment
Stratford, ON – Local couple Malorie Lester and Richard Finkel are under the woefully inaccurate impressions that their friends and family were being positive when they told them their new …
Winnipeg strikers demand casual Fridays
An excerpt from The Beaverton Presents Glorious and/or Free: The True History of Canada. Available where books are sold. May 15th, 1919 WINNIPEG – Thousands of striking workers have paralyz…
Local man furious after missing child alert momentarily disrupts parade of vapid internet bullshit
Yarker, ON – This week, the Ontario cellular emergency alert system went off to the great annoyance of Peter Jenkins, who suffered a brief interruption in the stupid shit he does on the int…
Hungover robin wishes humans would shut the fuck up
Trenton, ON – After coming home late following a drunken evening with friends, a hungover Robin wished the humans talking loudly below his tree branch would shut the fuck up. “I met t…
I just really, really like smiles
By: Doug Ford You may have noticed I found myself embroiled in a bit of a scandal this weekend. No not the one where I suggested immigrants are not real Ontarians. The other one where I repeatedl…
Mike Holmes blasts 4-year-old for poorly constructed pillow fort
PETERBOROUGH, ON – Celebrity builder and television host Mike Holmes has condemned a child’s pillow fort being the worst place he has ever inspected. The eight square foot, half storey dwel…
Common law couple decides to get married after running out of matching plates
VICTORIA, BC – Despite having lived as a common law couple for the past 10 years, Ahmad Najdi and Claire Liu were compelled to begin the wedding planning process when they noticed that they…
Woman celebrates Mother’s Day by attempting to get off the phone with her mom for 45 minutes
ST. ANDREWS, NB – Giving her mother exactly what she wanted, local daughter, Jesse Wilson, 32, decided to spend Mother’s Day by attempting to get off the phone with her mother 45 minutes. “…
