Disney executives pleased to announce acquisition of PornHub - The Beaverton
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Disney executives pleased to announce acquisition of PornHub

MONTREAL – Expanding their media streaming portfolio, executives announced Tuesday that the company has acquired Canadian adult entertainment site, .

The entertainment behemoth, which has recently acquired Entertainment, , and plans to purchase Fox properties, will purchase Pornhub by the end of the year. The xxx service, which boast over 5.5 million videos on their site, will be incorporated into Disney’s suite of existing properties.

“This is part of our plan to expand our streaming capabilities,” said Dalton Sterling, VP of Market Strategy in a call to shareholders, adding that it will allow them to leverage existing properties like , Marvel, and the original cartoon characters to create franchise specific content that were thus far was left to fans to create. “This is what the online world was made for, and it would be unfair to our shareholders to not get a part of the action.”

“Plus, we’ll basically now have an unshakeable hold on the entire ‘teen boy’ market.”

Plans for the acquisition involve opening up the Marvel Cinematic Universe to insert Pornhub celebrities like Jenna Jameson and James Deen, who will in turn insert themselves into several popular characters. Disney’s planned incorporation of 20th Century Fox’s X-Men franchise into the MCU will also be recast with the stars of XXX-Men: A Porn Parody, as both a cost-saving and synergistic measure.

“Above all, we can assure customers that the PornHub cinematic universe will cross over both ways,” assured Sterling.

When asked if the acquisition betrays Disney’s company values, the executives on the call reassured that it doesn’t conflict with the company’s highest value: making money. Executives have also applauded how well Pornhub’s brand will square with Walt Disney’s original vision of rigid gender stereotypes.

Looking beyond Pornhub, Disney has announced plans to purchase other media entities, including HBO, Telemundo, ESPN 7, The Weather Network App, Domino’s Online Pizza Tracker, and several other companies that they are only just realizing they bid on. “Huh, according to this we bought something called The ?” added Sterling. “Whatever, just throw it on the pile!’

At press time, Disney representatives say the move will finally all the company to make Disney World the happiest place on Earth for both kids and adults.

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