ByWard Bear incident exceeds Ottawa’s annual excitement quota
OTTAWA — Following the tranquilization and removal of a bear roaming around Ottawa’s ByWard Market neighbourhood, the City of Ottawa announced that it has exceeded its excitement quota for …
Tech company unveils universal charging cable that won’t fit any device
PALO ALTO — An exciting new product was revealed today that its creator claims will change the world by bringing people together “in global frustration.” “Finally we have …
OPINION: I am part of the Resistance inside the Galactic Empire
By: Anonymous (note: The Beaverton is taking the rare step of publishing an anonymous Op-Ed essay. We have done so at the request of the author, a senior Commander on the Death Star whose identit…
Shocking new book suggests Trump bad
WASHINGTON D.C. – An explosive new book exploded onto the political scene yesterday morning by suggesting that former U.S. President Donald Trump is not good but rather, quite bad. “The aut…
Munk Debates: Steve Bannon and David Frum to debate whether hate crimes are better than war crimes
TORONTO – The Aurea Foundation has announced that former Breitbart chairman Steve Bannon and George W. Bush speechwriter David Frum will headline the Munk Debates this year, finally settlin…
Heavily indebted federal NDP cuts out orange as party colour to save money
OTTAWA – The federal NDP’s $3.1 million debt in assets is forcing the party to give up on its traditional orange colour for a much cheaper option. “It’s black and white until we’re back int…
University-aged Buck-a-Beer connoisseurs taste the subtle hints of intoxication
KINGSTON – Hundreds of thousands of university and college students are returning to campuses across the province, and among them are hundreds of thousands of Buck-a-Beer cognoscenti lookin…
Fifth-grader can’t wait to talk about all the rallies she attended over summer vacation
VANCOUVER – Grace Chapman is looking forward to the start of a new school year and the chance to tell her classmates all about her summer spent rallying against the many sociopolitical issues fac…
Nike encourages Americans to buy Colin Kaepernick merchandise to show support/ burn in protest
PORTLAND, OR — Following the announcement that Colin Kaepernick will be their new spokesperson, Nike is encouraging all Americans to buy as much of the Kaepernick merchandise as possible, e…
Labour Day parade’s precarious workers float cancelled last minute after being called into work
HAMILTON – The Precarious Worker’s float was pulled out of Hamilton’s Labour Day Parade an hour before festivities were to begin after all of the participants, including the flatbed truck t…
