NEW YORK – In response to Gillette’s powerful advertisement about toxic masculinity, Schick has unveiled a misogynistic razor for those angry and bitter men who feel betrayed.
“This product is 400% more likely to slice your face open than a regular razor, but you can take it because you’re not a pussy,” explained the three minute Schick Alpha Male Razor commercial. “It’s a razor for a man who refuses to be told what to do by a woman, whether she’s running for president or a doctor trying to stitch up his bleeding face.”
Special “gay-preventing grips” along the shaft are specially designed to reduce the razor from being dropped in the shower. The hyper-masculine shaving product is four times larger than a typical blade “so no one will fuck with it,” says the ad.
Instructions on the back of the packaging spell out a cruel and humiliating self-hazing ritual that must be completed before using the Alpha Male Razor.
“The blade only works on men with real jobs since women wouldn’t know how it works.”
To top it all off, the blade comes with a built-in speaker which plays Jordan Peterson reading from his books to smoothly affirm pre-existing prejudices.
In related news, a special hotline has been set up by Piers Morgan to help all of the men who feel that they were oppressed by Gillette’s commercial.