Local woman excited to replace old crush on emotionally unavailable man with new crush on emotionally unavailable man
Toronto – After setting aside her longtime crush on one emotionally unavailable and manipulative man, local woman Bronwyn Taylor is pleased to report she is now crushing on a completely new…
Notley to flood BC so pipelines reach Pacific
EDMONTON – Alberta Premier Rachel Notley has announced her proposal to sink the province of British Columbia to resolve the ongoing Trans Mountain Pipeline dispute with BC, and grant her pr…
Sweater weather update: east coast ravaged by huge cardigan cell
HALIFAX – Reports are coming in that Nova Scotia is being hit with terrible sweater weather, with prevalent high-speed cardigans and up to 80mm of tastefully embroidered guernseys in some a…
We wanted to do a list of the top 10 Canadian films of all time, but didn’t want to hurt anybody’s feelings so here are all of them
Here’s the quintessential Top 2,285 Canadian Films of All Time (and Counting) in no particular order because they’re all great and everyone will be happy: Glenn Gould: On/Off the Reco…
Thirty-year-old man horny for twenty-year-old’s old soul
MONTREAL – Describing the twenty minutes he spent leering at her across Grumpy’s Bar as an overwhelming intellectual connection, Philip Marshall, 30, announced Friday that he was extremely …
Oddly hostile entrepreneur pitches Dragons’ Den his business idea for paying off politicians’ campaign debts
TORONTO – Last night’s episode of Dragons’ Den got a bit confrontational after none of the Dragons expressed an interest in Devin O’Kerry’s idea for a business whose sole purpose would be t…
Vimy Ridge: Canada becomes a nation after killing Germans for Britain on French soil
An excerpt from The Beaverton Presents Glorious and/or Free: The True History of Canada. Available where books are sold. April 9, 1917 VIMY, FRANCE – Following more than a century of strugg…
Protesters as shocked as you are that they actually managed to halt Trans Mountain Pipeline
BURNABY, BC – Surprise washed over protesters on Sunday as oil conglomerate Kinder Morgan announced that construction of the Trans Mountain Pipeline had suddenly come to a stop. “Seriously?…
QUIZ: Okay! Which one of you assholes got me sick?
Alright, this weather is garbage and now I’m sneezing and coughing. Which one of you assholes at work got me sick? Images via Pixabay/Deposit Photos…
Doug Ford promises to bring blue-collar manufacturing jobs back to Ontario’s robots
TORONTO – Progressive Conservative leader Doug Ford outlined his plan to fix Ontario’s manufacturing sector, bringing hundreds of thousands of jobs to the province’s rustbelt robots. “Manuf…
