TORONTO — After 10 years, thousands of hours of obsessive gameplay, and four world championship wins, gaming prodigy Jasmine Johnson has finally announced the truth about why, as a woman, she ever started playing video games.
“It has always been about getting laid,” the 30-year-old exclaimed, sitting in the foyer of the Leslieville home she bought for herself with her Starcraft tournament winnings. “And it’s so easy to do. They fall at your feet the second they hear you can kick their ass in Fortnite. These games aren’t even hard. It’s like ‘beep boop, up, down, A, B, another notch on the ol’ bedpost’, if you know what I mean. It’s almost sad. I don’t even like gaming.”
Justin Stanfeld, or killdick47, a longtime ally and secret admirer of Johnson’s in one of her many online multiplayer games, says he feels betrayed by her revelation.
“All this time I thought we had a connection forged in the flames of our hotkeys,” explained Stanfeld, 14. “But it turns out she’s just another Gamer Girl. Now I have to sell the Ring Of Legendary Seduction I was going to propose to her character with. I’ll never trust women again.”
Johnson’s ex-boyfriend Kevin told reporters he had always had his doubts about her intentions.
“It all makes sense to me now,” he explained. “She always lied and said that gaming gave her a sense of purpose and happiness regardless of her gender, but deep down I could tell that she was just insecure about herself and needed validation. It’s like all our World Championship victory sex was a lie. I’ll never trust women again.”
At press time, Johnson was in talks to write The Gamer, a how-to novel for aspiring female players wanting to follow in her footsteps.