7 holiday party ideas for people so overwhelmed by the world they can no longer experience joy

It’s the most wonderful time of the year! The holidays are a time when everyone can get along, share and love one another. Sure, it’s been a couple of tough years, and it’s left you feeling numb,…

Trudeau instructs Canadarm to extend middle finger every time it orbits over Alberta

An excerpt from The Beaverton Presents Glorious and/or Free: The True History of Canada. Available where books are sold. November 12, 1981 143 KM ABOVE THE EARTH – In a move that has furthe…

Johnson & Johnson claims asbestos in Baby Powder was benevolent attempt to fireproof world’s babies

NEW BRUNSWICK, NJ – Following widespread anger, lawsuits and a precipitous stock price drop when it was revealed that Johnson & Johnson have known for decades that their Baby Powder was…

Child hoping parents divorce in time for two Christmases

STONY PLAIN, AB – With only days left until Christmas, local 2nd grader Ryan Nepalen is hoping his parents will finally make the long overdue decision to separate in time for him to have tw…

If I were the PM handling China, I would have already sent several rescue teams to their death

By: Andrew Scheer As I write this, two Canadians are being detained in China in response to the Vancouver arrest of the CFO of the Chinese technology firm Huawei. Our Prime Minister’s response to…

Elementary school kid looks forward to only wearing snow pants for the next 4 months

KINGSTON, ON — As the winter season kicks into full gear, Grade 4 student, Daniel Ready, is officially prepared to only dress in his snowpants for the next 4 months. “I love when my clothes…

Netflix announces darker, grittier reboot of the fireplace channel

LOS ANGELES – Following successful, gritty re-imaginings of childhood staples such Riverdale and Sabrina the Teenage Witch, streaming giant Netflix has announced a reboot of the fireplace channel…

Addict says she can stop bullet journaling anytime

RICHMOND HILL, ON – This past Monday, frantic university student Hanna Bambas reiterated to a group of concerned peers that she does not have a problem and can stop bullet journaling anytim…

Report: Door not as heavy as expected

CHARLOTTETOWN, PEI – Despite being large and made of heavy-looking glass, a report released Monday has concluded that the door to Belle’s Yoga Studio on Belvedere Ave. is way lighter than y…

Chinese government inviting Canadian tourists with authentic geopolitical prisoner experience

BEIJING – The Chinese government is wooing more Canadians to take in the comfort of a customary cell block, breathtaking interrogations, and quiet isolation as part of their new Chinese geo…