Rest of Canada wishes B.C. and Alberta would just get it over with and fuck already
EVERYWHERE IN CANADA EXCEPT ALBERTA AND B.C. – After months of squabbles between Alberta and B.C., the other Canadian provinces are sick and tired of seeing them at each other’s throa…
Fans cheer as Avengers: Endgame brings closure to cinema as a whole
HOLLYWOOD — As Marvel Studios’ epic film Avengers: Endgame breaks box office records, fans across the world have cheered as it offers a thrilling finale to every film ever made up to this p…
Local woman decimates office foe with ‘As per my last email’ knockout
CALGARY – In a tactical move that experts are applauding for its cold-hearted precision, Meeghan Summers obliterated her long-time office rival Irina Kowalski with an “As per my last email”…
Mandatory anti-carbon tax stickers must be placed on the faces of all Ontario residents by today
TORONTO – Ontario Premier Doug Ford’s new law requiring everyone in the province to stick an anti-carbon tax decal in the middle of their faces kicks in today. Officials from the Ministry o…
Coconut oil can solve any problem, and yes I’d like to sell you some
By: Dennis Hopf The wheel. Penicillin. Coconut oil. Perfect inventions that unlocked humanity’s potential. During this boring bus ride, allow me to clarify in plain language why coconut oil will …
Court rules that mansion’s portal to hell not valid reason for buyer backing out of real estate deal
VANCOUVER – A BC court has ruled that nondisclosure of the existence of a portal to hell on a property does not entitle the purchaser to a refund of their deposit if they chose to terminate…
Canadians surprised enough people still watch The Simpsons to get offended about episode
ST. JOHN’S – A recent poll indicated that 97% of Canadians said that they were surprised The Simpsons still had enough viewers to cause a controversy in their country. “I haven’t watched th…
Most affordable apartments in Toronto revealed to be bathroom stalls in club
TORONTO – A young professional in Toronto was astonished to learn that the city’s most affordable apartments are actually located in the bathroom stalls of a club, whose name and location remains…
STUDY: Average Canadian reads 97% less after getting too old for Scholastic book fair
HALIFAX — Researchers at Dalhousie University have determined that most Canadians’ volume of reading plummets over 97% after they leave elementary school, and thusly age out of the Scholast…
Emergency officials construct fake disaster zone for politicians to disrupt
OTTAWA – Government officials at the federal, provincial, and municipal levels have finished the construction of a fake flooded area to distract political leaders from disrupting real disas…
