TORONTO – Licensed therapist and recently alive man Dr. Mark Conway wishes everyone would understand that simply fleeing from their problems is unhelpful, unhealthy, and frankly, a little selfish.
“I understand that life can be unpredictable and scary!” yelled the undead Doctor, as he chased tirelessly after screaming, long-time patient Cassie Jones. “But simply ignoring important issues and running away isn’t always the healthiest way to cope! Sometimes you need to make a stand, and if your problem ends up consuming you alive, well, that’s a form of closure.”
One of Conway’s clients, Jason Robinson, had nothing but excellent things to say about the doctor’s unconventional therapeutic techniques.
“He really helped me overcome some of my biggest fears, such as being eaten alive,” the 50-year-old lawyer explained gratefully. “His primary method places a major emphasis on exposure therapy. His sliding scale payment plan is very reasonable, too- six sessions, all for the low price of one of my arms!”
Robinson waved his stump enthusiastically. “That’s twice as cheap as any other therapist in this city!”
Dr. Conway always impress upon his patients that just because they feel like everything in life is out to get them, it’s usually just their delicious brain telling them lies.
“Not much in life, or the afterlife, is certain,” he counselled, attempting to re-attach his foot after it fell off in a recent session. “But what I can tell you is that if you learn to fight back; if you learn to take up that new hobby, or that spike-filled baseball bat; you may learn you’re stronger than you think. And if you don’t, I’ll eat you! How’s that for motivation?”
At press time, Dr. Mark was attempting to ease a new client’s anxiety by therapeutically chewing away at their brain’s amygdala.