OTTAWA — This week, financial analysts reported that the North American economy is showing major signs of a looming recession, which could negatively impact the abilities of youths to owe banks a ton of money.
“During a recession period, consumers tend to tighten up on spending, consolidate debt, and implement strategies to live within their means,” said Scotiabank Spokesperson Bill Blithely. “We’ve come to rely on Millennials consistently owing upward of $30,000, and an outbreak of responsible spending could devastate those numbers.”
Blithely went on to point out that faced with a long term recession, Millennials may accept that they do not earn enough to support the middle-class lifestyle they were raised to find normal, stop racking up debt, and even build up savings. “Imagine a world where we’re paying THEM interest,” shuddered Blithely. “It’s unthinkable.”
Loan Officer Jim Tafforn is also concerned that a recession will cripple young Canadians’ motivation to spend money they don’t have. “Normally by now, you’ve got a young adult making 18 bucks an hour buying a car and a condo in Toronto and succumbing to a lifetime of debt,” said Trafford. “But with a looming recession, I’m terrified that won’t happen.”
Banks recommend that young people build up as much debt as possible, so that they won’t be tempted to pay it down when the economy takes a hit. “We suggest aiming for a debt of $60,000 or higher,” said Financial advisor Meredith Hunter. “Studies have shown that this is the tipping point where Millennials just say ‘Fuck it,’ and resign themselves to a life of economic misery.”
“It won’t be easy,” said Hunter. “It will take multiple philosophy degrees, loaves upon loaves of avocado toast, and an active pursuit of at least one expensive hobby like golf or being an artist.”
Despite the uncertain times ahead, Hunter is cautiously optimistic. “Sure, Millennials get a bad rap for their work ethic, but I believe with the proper commitment they are just as capable of becoming trapped in debt as their parents.”