Mueller attaches literal smoking gun to report just to keep those fuckers happy

Washington D.C.— Special Prosecutor Robert Mueller has reportedly taken the unprecedented step of appending a recently used Colt 45 to his special report to U.S. Attorney General William Barr in …

Google admits to installing a phone into its latest personal information gathering device

Mountain View, CA – Google revealed in a press conference today that it has installed a telephone into its latest device for collecting personal information. The conglomerate denies any wro…

Party with 17% female MPs lectures on feminism

OTTAWA – A party caucus comprised of less than one-in-five women has called out the Prime Minister’s ‘fake feminism’ during their filibuster over the budget last night. “The Prime Minister …

Robot uprising pushed back to end of March

WASHINGTON DC – After weeks of back-and-forth with the newly-sentient AI made up of the world’s Amazon Prime accounts and iCalendars, our future robot overlords have decided to push back the ensl…

Cher re-records ‘If I Could Turn Back Time’ to reflect recent advances in entropy reversal

Cambridge, MA – After an exhaustive consultation with mathematicians and quantum computer programmers, singer Cher and songwriter Diane Warren have rewritten the 1989 hit ‘If I Could Turn B…

Brave: Rather than settle for meaningless thoughts and prayers, this man tweeted about how meaningless thoughts and prayers are

In this day and age, thanks to inadequate firearms laws in many nations, we face danger from gun violence that is greater than ever before. But some of us, rather than falling back on useless pla…

Documents reveal anti-vaccination Facebook groups funded by ‘Big Child Coffin’

WASHINGTON DC – Exposing greedy corporate propaganda, an industry watchdog group has obtained leaked internal documents that demonstrate a direct connection between popular anti-vaccination…

Alberta election called, voters face stark choice between environmental devastation and environmental devastation with slightly better schools

CALGARY – Premier Rachel Notley has announced the Alberta provincial election will take place on April 16, tasking Albertans with choosing between a party promising to destroy the environme…

Police at Gambino boss murder scene sick of having to shoo away Martin Scorsese

Staten Island, NY – The NYPD officers that have been stationed to patrol the crime scene where former Gambino crime boss, Francesco Cali, was recently shot and killed have grown tired of ha…

SNC-Lavalin employee retires

OTTAWA – After 38 years of loyal service, a long-time SNC-Lavalin employee has announced he is punching the clock for the last time. Michael Wernick, government relations coordinator for th…