HOLLYWOOD, CA – Fans of the legendary Broadway musical Cats were thrilled to watch the first trailer for its upcoming live-action film adaptation yesterday, but further production has been halted by the SPCA until its producers can prove all the actors involved have been spayed or neutered.
SPCA representative Linda Marcuse explained the organization’s decision as one of necessity, citing a “responsibility to the film community at large”.
“We’ve received several complaints from other film studios about territorial disputes,” she explained, pausing in her attempt to get actress Rebel Wilson to chase a red laser dot around the press room in order to tire her out for the night. “And trust me, the last thing this set needs is a bunch of tiny actors running around making other tiny actors. They’re all extremely attractive; it’s just inevitable.”
Tim Bevan, the film’s producer, said he was frustrated by the delay but understands its necessity.
“Maybe this will be a positive thing,” he admitted, scooping out the actors’ personal toilets for the third time that day. “I’ve heard these procedures help calm cats down, and after watching Taylor (Swift, who plays the flirty cat Bombalurina) bite the furstylist on set last night after she brushed her hair one too many times, I’m willing to try anything. I’m also sick of James Corden scratching the set furniture to shreds- we’ve had to start spraying him with a water bottle.”
“Look, if it stops Dame Judi Dench from constantly asking Jason Derulo to have sex with her, then frankly, I don’t care about delaying the press tour,” fumed director Tom Hooper. “Jason never agrees, and so Judi gets mad and runs off to fight Ian McKellen. I’ve worked with some temperamental actors, but this is on another level.”
When asked for a statement on behalf of the talent, lead actor Idris Elba immediately began furiously licking himself while staring unblinkingly at the reporter in an impressive display of dominance.