Scientists posit existence of universe where you can nap and not feel like hot garbage afterwards
TORONTO – In a recent breakthrough, a team of scientists at the University of Toronto have posited the reality of a parallel universe where naps don’t make an individual feel like a disgust…
Poll shows Canadian consumers want electric eel powered vehicles and they want them now
OTTAWA – A new poll has revealed that nearly 64% of Canadians want electric eels to replace gasoline as the primary transportation power source in Canada, and they want the conversion to ha…
Local man using cigarettes to quit vaping
WINNIPEG — After years of failing to quit the “disgusting habit” of vaping, Andrew Bunns has finally weaned himself off it by burning Tobacco and then inhaling the smoke, colloquially known…
“Stupid comic book nerds,” says man who can name every Patriots player from the last 60 years
Hamilton, ON – Local sports enthusiast Jim Clement was overheard last week laughing about how comic book fans are nothing but a bunch of “obsessive nerds who need lives,” after having a len…
‘They’re heroes,’ says man who called former cabinet ministers unqualified diversity hires two months ago
OTTAWA – Early reports indicate that local partisan Bruce Thompson has had a sudden embrace of former cabinet ministers Jody Wilson-Raybould and Jane Philpott after years of calling them sh…
Local man starting to suspect it’s too late to ask what Brexit is
Brandon, MB – Local man Steven Bach is getting the feeling that the time to figure out what Brexit actually is has long since passed. “I saw on the news that the UK government might fall du…
Local woman can’t find anything she owns despite living in 200 sq. ft. micro apartment
VANCOUVER – Susan Jones is tired of being unable to locate a single object she needs despite living in an apartment small enough for her to traverse in a single hop. “I know what I’m lookin…
Trump late for diplomatic meeting after taking twenty minutes to put on boots, snow pants
WASHINGTON DC – President Donald Trump is currently late for an important meeting with the Chinese ambassador to the United States after taking twenty minutes to put on his boots and snow p…
Cat with twenty nicknames having identity crisis
HALIFAX – Cat mom Jenny Harding recently faced a harsh reality of her own making when she realized her cat Fluffy was in the throes of a full-on identity crisis due to having too many nickn…
Nation stunned to learn schools that charge $50,000 per year unfairly favour rich people
LOS ANGELES — In the wake of revelations that dozens of wealthy individuals have used fraudulent schemes to gain their children admission to top universities, Americans are reporting utter shock …
