Protesting seniors carrying 256-page weapons at MPP’s office has Ford government vowing stronger book control laws
BEAMSVILLE, ON – After a tense standoff between Ontario Progressive Conservative MPP Sam Oosterhoff constituency staff and about a dozen seniors heavily armed with books, Premier Doug Ford …
New royal baby already accomplished everything in life he is expected to
LONDON – Swiftly following the birth of Prince Harry and Meghan Markle’s first child, Buckingham Palace spokespeople confirmed that he has already achieved all goals, objectives, and purposes exp…
Local woman nods enthusiastically at anecdote she didn’t hear
CALGARY – Earlier today Kaitlyn Crandell was seen nodding encouragingly at a story she completely missed. “It really seemed like Kaitlyn enjoyed my anecdote. She was nodding so fervently” s…
Stranger Things plagiarism lawsuit dropped after Duffer Brothers prove they stole everything from other sources
HOLLYWOOD – A lawsuit brought by a filmmaker who alleged that the Netflix megahit show Stranger Things was based on his ideas has been withdrawn after the Duffer Brothers and Netflix were a…
Person sobbing in bathroom stall next to you really killing the vibe
WORK’S BATHROOM STALL – Your usually tranquil visit to the washroom took a turn for the worst after someone burst into the stall next to you and began sobbing uncontrollably. The routine ba…
Children’s wish organizations overwhelmed with requests to meet, murder Brad Marchand
BOSTON – Children’s wish charities throughout Canada and the United States have been overwhelmed by requests from kids to meet Boston Bruins player Brad Marchand or have him murdered. With …
Exhausted Ontario PC staffers pull all-nighter brainstorming more alcohol based policies
TORONTO – Dozens of unkempt and haggard PC staffers greeted the morning dawn from the offices of Queen’s Park this morning, having spent the entire night trying to think of more alcohol rel…
Heartbroken woman betrayed by imaginary boyfriend after discovering he’s already married
HALIFAX – Romantic tragedy struck yesterday when 30-year-old Tina McCullough discovered that Brian Huntington, her imaginary boyfriend of two years, was already secretly married to another woman.…
Rest of Canada wishes B.C. and Alberta would just get it over with and fuck already
EVERYWHERE IN CANADA EXCEPT ALBERTA AND B.C. – After months of squabbles between Alberta and B.C., the other Canadian provinces are sick and tired of seeing them at each other’s throa…
Fans cheer as Avengers: Endgame brings closure to cinema as a whole
HOLLYWOOD — As Marvel Studios’ epic film Avengers: Endgame breaks box office records, fans across the world have cheered as it offers a thrilling finale to every film ever made up to this p…
