TORONTO – Dozens of unkempt and haggard PC staffers greeted the morning dawn from the offices of Queen’s Park this morning, having spent the entire night trying to think of more alcohol related laws the party could put forward to boost its poll numbers.
“Oh god, it’s morning already,” said Nick Young of the finance ministry as he finished his third can of Red Bull. “I promised Premier Ford we’d have at least 15 more ideas to make booze easier to acquire and/or consume by now, and we’re still stuck on ‘Let Uber Eats deliver it?’”
“Now he’ll never give me that miniature Empire State Building he bought me as a souvenir in New York!” he added despairingly.
Across the hall, the participants of another brainstorm session had all fallen asleep at their desks, partially eaten chinese food scattered all around them. On the whiteboard read several possible bills including ‘tear down greenbelt and replace with big Jack Astor’s,’ and ‘free shots to every laid off teacher and parent who now has to pay out of pocket for their autistic child’s therapy.’
“How about rye flavoured marijuana?” murmured one staffer in their sleep.
“At one point we thought that, since we were talking about alcohol policy, we should get drunk ourselves. That was a mistake,” said Young before running to a trash can to puke.
Unfortunately the day would not get any easier for the staffers. Too tired to rise, they were soon berated by senior party members for not giving Minister Lisa Thompson a standing ovation when she announced the latest education cuts.