Will Canada’s dairy industry be affected by the discovery of a distant, earth-like planet that may produce and export milk?
OTTAWA – The discovery of a far-away dwarf planet on the outer limits beyond Pluto has many Canadians asking the same question: how will this affect Canada’s supply management system of its…
Dollarama already stocking decorations for your funeral
MONTREAL – Despite the event being at least several months away, Dollarama, the nation’s largest dollar store chain, has already begun stocking decorations for your funeral. As early as la…
Modern day Scrooge McFuck doesn’t give out his wifi password to anyone
LONDON, ON – In a Dickensian turn of events, local miser Scrooge McFuck has refused to reveal the various characters that comprise his wireless network password to his “friend” that he hims…
Update: Quebec not distinct from Ontario and USA
QUEBEC CITY – After decades of claiming to be a society distinct from the rest of North America, Quebec went and did the same damn thing as Ontario and the USA. Despite centuries of being a…
Trade war over: Remembering our brave economists
OTTAWA – With the great macroeconomic conflict that pitted Canada against its American foe all but over, Prime Minister Justin Trudeau marked the occasion to remember the veterans of Canada…
Lindsey Graham demands FBI investigation into whether sexual assault even that big a deal
WASHINGTON D.C. – As the FBI begins its investigation of sexual assault allegations against Supreme Court nominee Brett Kavanaugh, Senator Lindsay Graham has called for an investigation int…
Experts warn new NAFTA deal could put thousands of op-ed writers out of work
OTTAWA – As the Trudeau government celebrated saving the country’s free trade deal with America and Mexico, experts were already warning that the renewed agreement could devastate the burge…
Man reviewing credit card bill horrified to discover he the anonymous $1,000 tipping hero
STRATFORD, ON – Local man Daniel Lark was shocked to learn of his heroic actions when he accidentally tipped a server $1,000 for a $20 meal while preparing to pay his monthly VISA bill. “Oh…
Sane clown beginning to think she wandered into wrong posse
LEGEND VALLEY, OH – Professional birthday party entertainer Twinkles the Clown, who has been described by her doctor as ‘very mentally sound’, got lost on her way to meeting some fellow bir…
Local man continues search for method of scraping metal against face that won’t irritate skin
SASKATOON – After years of inexplicable failure, local man Peter Whitehall has yet to find a method of dragging sharp metal blades against his face that doesn’t irritate his skin. “I don’t …
