RICHMOND HILL, ON – A decision rendered by a small claims court has ordered Bryan Ramos to begin implementing a daily skincare routine at the behest of his girlfriend, Vanessa Adeyemi. “Although...
Anti-abortion protesters backed by world’s biggest baby
WASHINGTON D.C. – Anti-abortion protesters were overjoyed at the March for Life rally to receive vocal support from the world’s biggest baby. In his 295th trimester, the loud, 6’2” infant ran on...
Climate change speeding up just to get this over with
GENEVA – An alarming report released by the World Meteorological Organization has revealed that climate change is speeding up to just get this all over with. “Human activity got the ball rolling...
Poll-leading Ontario Liberals delay selecting leader until after 2022 provincial election
TORONTO – The Liberal Party of Ontario has announced that it will hold off selecting a leader until the 2022 provincial election is over. The pocket-sized party whose entire caucus can fit comfo...
TTC to replace shuttle buses with being pushed off cliff in barrel full of eels
TORONTO – The Toronto Transit Commission announced plans today to replace their unpopular shuttle bus system with thousands of barrels stuffed with wriggling carnivorous fish. Officials promise the ee...
Pierre Poilievre drops out of Conservative leadership race after failing Turing test
OTTAWA – Pierre Poilievre has dropped out of the Conservative leadership racer after failing the Turing test all of the party’s leadership candidates must pass to become party leader. “The carbo...
Quaker Oats announces that Cap’n Crunch has died as the result of auto-erotic asphyxiation
CHICAGO – Quaker Oats informed the public today that Cap’n Crunch, the cheerful cereal mascot who has been delighting children since 1963, is dead as a result of accidentally hanging himself whi...
Coronavirus inside air passenger excited about Doug Ford’s cuts to public health
SOMEWHERE OVER THE PACIFIC OCEAN – A Coronavirus cell incubating in an air passenger destined for Pearson International Airport is eager to exploit the many ‘efficiencies’ in the public health s...
Terry Jones goes to that great giant foot in the sky
LONDON – The world is in mourning today after it was announced that Terry Jones, distinguished actor, director, writer, and member of the beloved comedy team Monty Python, has finally made the final j...
World Economic Forum in Davos experiencing crippling top hat shortage
DAVOS-KLOSTERS, SWITZERLAND – The latest annual meeting of the World Economic Forum has descended into chaos and anger due to a shortage of top hats and other necessary plutocrat accoutrements. ...
