Climate change speeding up just to get this over with - The Beaverton

Climate change speeding up just to get this over with

GENEVA – An alarming report released by the World Meteorological Organization has revealed that is speeding up to just get this all over with.

“Human activity got the ball rolling, but now climate change is just going for it,” says Dr. Frederick King of Oxford University, “It’s ripping off that band-aid and increasing to 2° beyond pre-industrial levels fast, because who wants to deal with any of this anymore?”

King reports that by “get this over with”, climate change most certainly means “exterminate all life on the planet as we know it”. He then pointed to melting permafrost releasing large amounts of deadly carbon into the atmosphere. “The climate is just going absolutely balls to the wall to get this done.”

Other tipping points include melting ice-sheets, forest dieback, and climate change doing the equivalent of getting out of bed to go to work. “It’s like when you have bad sex,” added King, “everyone involved just wants to get things overwith and go to bed.”

No one is sure what’s making climate change hurry. “It’s clearly going for mass extinction” says Dr Teresa Velázquez, “But is it killing us off as fast as possible because it wants a utopia for cockroaches and sightless cave fish, or because it really hates trees? Or maybe it’s just an asshole?

“I’m not sure, but I’m doing my best to befriend all the sightless cave fish I come across”.

Reached for comment, climate change confirmed its plans to utterly wreck the human race. “I sent you guys Al Gore and no one listened,” explained the vast and complex ecological system. “Now that we’re past the point of no return, what’s the point in dragging it out? Time for a sky-earthquake – by the way, it turns out water actually can catch fire.”

Scientists believe our best chance of survival is to inspire the climate with an example of procrastination by showing it the global response to climate change.