RICHMOND HILL, ON – A decision rendered by a small claims court has ordered Bryan Ramos to begin implementing a daily skincare routine at the behest of his girlfriend, Vanessa Adeyemi.
“Although the judge only prescribed a face wash and moisturizer, I believe it’s a good start,” said Adeyemi to a gaggle of reporters. “It may be a small step, but it is a step towards a 10 step Korean skincare routine nonetheless.”
Adeyemi filed a damages claim for mental anguish against her boyfriend of 10 months after he confided to her that the only time soap touches his face is when he smashes the bar of soap he uses to wash his ass against his face in the shower.
“I would appeal the court’s ruling but it seems like more trouble than it’s worth, plus it seems to make my girlfriend inexplicably and deliriously happy,” Ramos muttered while soaking a cotton pad in micellar water. “Plus she keeps threatening me with various acids… glycolic, salicylic, hyaluronic. I don’t want to find out what they do.”
When asked at what point he would be able to stop, Adeyemi ecstatically shrieked, “When you’re dead!” while slapping a snail mucin serum into her skin.
“I want to acknowledge the errors of my ways in assuming that taking care of the largest organ of my body was somehow emasculating,” Ramos read aloud in a prepared statement. “Oh and I now also recognize the importance of SPF, even in the wintertime. Thank you, no questions.”
At press time, Ramos filed his own claim against his girlfriend after catching her using his razors to shave her legs again.