“What am I supposed to do, wear white tie and a tailcoat without a top hat?” a shaken Bill Gates said as the top hat shortage entered its third day. “How can we possibly be expected to continue to use our wealth and power make all the decisions regarding the future of the entire planet in such dire conditions?”
The annual gathering of the world’s most influential individuals at a small resort town in Switzerland has had its share of unpleasantness in the past, like the infamous champagne cork blindings of ’97 and the numerous dead bodies that always turn up during the spring thaw, but never has the forum experienced such a failure on a logistical level.
“The problem was a clerical error which assumed that half of the participants would be women who don’t need top hats, when historically the highest level of female participation has been 22%,” said WEF organizer Johan Moneyton III. “We want to assure all of our guests that the low-level computer programmer we are blaming for all of the mistakes this year will himself never be allowed to wear a top hat again, a fate we are confident is worse than death.”
While rioting has been kept to a minimum thanks to round the clock concerts given by increasingly exhausted A-list musical acts, that hasn’t stopped attendees from airing their grievances on social media, as one billionaire mused on Twitter that attending a gala without a top hat was “worse than a thousand Holocausts.”
In other WEF news, U.S. President Donald Trump received the longest standing ovation in the history of the forum after claiming that he invented money.