TORONTO – The Toronto Transit Commission announced plans today to replace their unpopular shuttle bus system with thousands of barrels stuffed with wriggling carnivorous fish.
Officials promise the eel barrels will be just as crowded as the shuttle buses brought in to replace disrupted subway service, and will offer the same amount of exposure to bodily fluids and unexplained bite marks, all while making residents even later for work.
A TTC spokesperson explained the reason behind the changes. “After disturbing reports found some customers’ personal space was only moderately infringed on, we’re cracking down to offer each individual the same seventh-circle-of-hell experience.”
One study found that up to ten percent of shuttle-bus riders exited the bus with shreds of their basic human dignity intact, a number that was reduced to zero percent after forty-five minutes breathing in eel juice while travelling only one station closer to your destination.
The city claims that being pushed off a cliff will offer nearly the same jolt as a shuttle bus screeching to a stop, and the eels are a win for taxpayers as well, because they do not have to pay them overtime. After sourcing the eels from Bombardier, the TTC announced that they’re expected in Fall 2030.
The TTC spokesperson then added, “Unfortunately, the transit that was going to take you to the cliff is broken down, so you have to ride a second shuttle bus to the cliff.”
Early tests of the eel project revealed that many commuters actually preferred being trapped in a dark, cold space with dozens of slippery monsters to a shuttle bus trip, so the new barrels will also pair riders together, to witness each other’s shame as they compete for the limited air supply.
TTC rider Geoff Mornton enthused, “After being stuffing inside a barrel of of eels for a full three hours, I emerged somehow less moist than I did when I rode the shuttle bus. And it’s definitely a step up from the Presto system.”
Premier Doug Ford is currently under investigation after allegations that the eels selected to fill the barrels are his close family friends.