World in shock after better team wins
TORONTO – In the days after the Toronto Raptors defeated Golden State to win their first NBA championship, sports analysts and fans expressed their disbelief that the Warriors could ever fa…
Sarah Sanders looking forward to spending more time lying to her family
WASHINGTON, DC – U.S. President Donald Trump has announced that Sarah Huckabee Sanders will be leaving her post as White House press secretary at the end of June, following nearly two years…
Oh no! Kawhi Leonard is now King of the North and he has no idea how to give legislation Royal Assent!
Now that Kawhi Leonard has been crowned King of the North and has replaced the Queen as our Sovereign, he’s got no clue on how to issue a Royal Assent, appoint a Prime Minister or proroguing Parl…
Kawhi Leonard celebrates by staring at different wall
TORONTO — Following the Raptor’s first ever NBA championship victory, and his win as series MVP, Kawhi Leonard reportedly let his emotions run wild by turning slightly to his left, and star…
Update: Fuck hockey
TORONTO – Earlier reports indicate that the nation has collectively said ‘fuck it’ to hockey since basketball is now the official sport of Canada. Despite hundreds of billions of hours the …
Joe Biden campaign begs parents to stop letting their children interact with Joe Biden
PHILADELPHIA – Joe Biden’s presidential campaign made the unprecedented move today of pleading with his supporters to stop bringing children to any event attended by the former vice preside…
Study shows women without spouses are happier, healthier and so horny
OTTAWA, ON — A recent study has revealed that women without the partnership of a spouse exhibit characteristics of more happiness, better health and the most horniness a person can feel. Th…
Scientists taught this bear to mimic facial expressions but in a mean way
VANCOUVER – Bear lovers rejoice! We are officially one step closer to fully communicating with our furry friends. For the first time in history, scientists have taught a bear to mimic human facia…
Montreal riots after Boston loss
MONTREAL – Hundreds of rowdy revelers were arrested and businesses were looted in Montreal after an opposing team beat the Boston Bruins to win the Stanley Cup. “We did it!” said Michel Tan…
Local woman adds additional book on productivity to impressive collection of half-read books on productivity
TORONTO – After a shopping trip to the Eaton Centre earlier today, Michelle Johnson returned home with yet another book on productivity to add to her already vast collection of never finish…
