HAMILTON, ONT. – Local woman, Jessica Milton, who identifies as straight, was left shocked and bewildered upon learning that her lesbian friend, Taylor Kennedy, does not, in fact, have a crush on her.
“It’s so bizarre. She likes girls, I’m a girl. Am I missing something?” Milton said, furrowing her brow in confusion. Since coming out to Milton a year and a half ago, Milton always had the mistaken belief that Kennedy had a crush on her.
“How did I end up in the friend zone?!” Milton wondered indignantly, oblivious to the fact that she would never tolerate hearing this from a male friend. “I’m attractive, I’m smart, I have a good job. What else could Taylor possibly want in a partner? Also, did I mention I’m a girl?!”
According to gender and sexuality researcher, Maria Telfford, 100% of straight women report believing their lesbian or queer friends have crushes on them. Studies suggest that even basic acts of friendship get misconstrued as flirting. After all, Maria explained, what’s a friendship if one friend doesn’t secretly want to fuck the other?
Despite being gutted by Kennedy’s platonic feelings toward her, Milton clarified she does not have a crush on Kennedy. In fact, Milton stressed that she is completely straight and could NEVER date a girl. Boobs aren’t really her thing, and vaginas? BLEH, they gross her out. However, this doesn’t mean she’s opposed to the validation of a crush, even if she would never date the person.
When approached for comment, Kennedy was puzzled yet unsurprised by Milton’s reaction. According to Kennedy, this is not the first straight friend she’s lost to the all too common unfulfilled straight friend crush. Prior to this, Milton and Kennedy had plans to attend the Tegan and Sara concert. Kennedy will now be attending said concert with Gillian Glazer, who is believed to be Kennedy’s last remaining straight friend.
At press time, Taylor and Gillian were spotted making out at the Tegan and Sara concert.