Designated driver drunk on power - The Beaverton

Designated driver drunk on power

Phelpston, ON – After an hour at Gabe Newton’s 23rd Birthday Bash designated driver Mark Lougheed, drunk on power, has decreed that he is ready to leave and has decided that all those he brought will be coming with him.

Negotiations didn’t seem to work as Lougheed, wearing a sharp three-piece suit with wide shoulder pads, refused to break eye contact or talk first. When front seat passenger, Mary Dale, did finally speak, he reportedly pretended he got a phone call and left the room saying ‘no, he wasn’t busy and could talk,’ without ever averting his gaze from Dale.

Sources indicate that Lougheed had done several rounds of power stances while cheered on by the crowd. Dale said that they thought Lougheed would calm down a bit, but eye-witness Julian Goldbert said that Lougheed spread his legs very far apart on the couch and placed his arms behind his head while lecturing a shorter man about his life choices. “The minute he put his hand condescendingly on the shorter guy’s shoulder,” Reflected Goldbert. “I should have taken his keys right then and there.”

According to Dale, there were signs that power was affecting Lougheed earlier, as he only played Wagner in the car and demanded that everyone be seated according to his pleasure. “When we got out of the car, he turned to me and said: “whence we depart, you shall be in the middle seat, for you have greatly displeased me and I am sure that your drunken buffoonery shan’t endear you to me.”

“We had to take away his phone,” says Goldbert. “He had texted his boss asking if he was up and if he could come over for a raise.” Others have indicated that this isn’t the first time he’s gotten drunk on power: “He’s been dabbling in power moves for a while, issuing ultimatums, offering to be a life coach, or just juggling ben wa balls in the palm of his hand while asserting dominance over whomever he considers the weakest.”

While many agreed that Newton’s party was just getting good when Lougheed decided to abruptly go home, fellow passenger, Bryan Cranney, gave an alternate picture: “No, no, Mark was correct in wanting to leave, we’d all had far too much fun and Mark had clearly read the room and was giving us what we didn’t even know we wanted.” Cranney said, sitting shotgun.