EDMONTON – Alberta’s UCP government has hastily passed legislation to permit health care workers the right to make human sacrifices to appease their respective deities.
The Conscience Rights (of Religious Human Sacrifice) Protection Act will not require doctors to redirect patients to other health care providers that do not practice ritualistic murder.
“This new law is about protecting the rights of health care workers to killing someone else’s child to please Baal,” said United Conservative backbencher Dan Williams. “Canaanite doctors, nurses, and other providers shouldn’t have to choose between their jobs and slitting a virgin’s throat that will make crops bountiful and their future wives beautiful.”
Williams said homicide laws have long oppressed health care professionals who adhere to Aztec, Celtic, and old Scandinavian religions.
“If a doctor prescribes that you be flogged to death to respect his Druid beliefs, the government should not question that,” added Williams. “These are often forms of surgery anyway and they’re the experts.”
The law will lift bans on the dated medical practices such as burning patients alive in a bronze bull and heart-extraction with a flint blade to liberate the Istli.
“The government is finally liberating these professionals under their Charter Rights, so long as their religious ritual does not involve an abortion or a gender affirmation surgery. That’s just wrong.”
The UCP reassured Albertans worried about being slaughtered that they will still have the right to make posthumous complaints to professional boards and their shaman.