WASHINGTON D.C. – In a rare display of business acumen, Donald Trump is saving the United States approximately $290 billion by having his name appear on the new round of stimulus checks to Ameri...
Health Canada asks Canadians to at least brush their teeth, for God’s sake
OTTAWA – Amid the current worldwide shutdown leading to the majority of Canadian citizens practicing self-isolation in their homes, Health Canada has urged people to at the very least consider brushin...
Quarantined couple attempt to spice up relationship by putting pants on
TORONTO – Monica Gonzales and Tom Meyer, a couple living in downtown Toronto, had been self-isolating together for over a month when they felt their relationship growing stale. The couple, who h...
Local woman lowers ‘Live Laugh Love’ poster to half-mast
RIVERVIEW, NB – As COVID-19 projections predict mandated self isolation to remain in effect for several more months, local resident Helen De Angelo has lowered her Live Laugh Love poster to hal...
Local prisoner practices social distancing by escaping
Bath, ON – In an effort to prevent the spread of the COVID-19 virus, prison inmate Geoff Rogers has taken necessary measures to distance himself from others by escaping from the Millhaven Instit...
Nation’s high school dance chaperones bravely volunteer to enforce social distancing
OTTAWA – Responding to an urgent need, high school dance chaperones from across the country have bravely volunteered to ensure that Canadians everywhere remain at least two metres apart from one...
Obama wholeheartedly endorses only option
WASHINGTON, DC – Former President Barack Obama has announced his enthusiastic support for Joe Biden by endorsing him over all other current Democratic candidates. “I cannot think of a better can...
To soothe nation, Trudeau delivers daily address in ASMR
OTTAWA – Realizing the traumatic nature of the current pandemic, Justin Trudeau has sought to further reassure Canadians by delivering his daily address in a whispering tone designed to elicit a...
Local hipster keeps telling everyone he was on EI before it was cool
EAST VANCOUVER – In the midst of a global pandemic, the government is scrambling to assist those who are struggling financially. While Canadians are trying to cope with losing their jobs, hipste...
Secret government lab where coronavirus was created going to have serious talk with staff about this
LOCATION CLASSIFIED – The top secret government laboratory located in LOCATION REDACTED where the novel coronavirus was first concocted has confirmed that they will be calling an all-employees staff m...
