OTTAWA – Amid the current worldwide shutdown leading to the majority of Canadian citizens practicing self-isolation in their homes, Health Canada has urged people to at the very least consider brushing their teeth while this is all going on.
“Look, we get it. It’s really tough to motivate yourself to practice normal self-care when you don’t have to see other people who will judge you for your appearance every day,” said Jennifer San Filippo, spokesperson for Health Canada, “but for the love of Christ, I mean have some self-respect and brush.”
The latest missive from the organization comes after previous failed attempts to urge Canadians to avoid devolving into savagery. Past unsuccessful campaigns included: “Maybe Change Out of Those Pajamas Every Other Day?”, “Ok, But Like Seriously Showering Doesn’t Take That Long”, and “Come On Guys, Wear Pants”. Experts are hopeful that this latest attempt will catch hold, though they remain wary after the dismal failure of “How About Putting on a Bra for Just Five Minutes and Working Your Way Up?”.
“You don’t even have to do the twice a day thing. Like what about just in the evening? Before bed? Just do that one?” San Filippo pleaded, “You don’t even have to use toothpaste if you don’t want to. Just run it under water for a second.”
Health professionals are shocked at the speed at which otherwise ordinary people who keep themselves clean and hygienic completely abandoned all prior habits. Within only three weeks, individuals who normally obsessed over presenting a professional and presentable image to the outside world, have become sweating, greasy cavemen communicating mostly in grunts and Uber Eats orders.
“This isn’t even a cosmetic issue. It’s basic dental health. I don’t understand what you people want from us! We’re just trying to help,” San Filippo screamed between tears.
At press time, Health Canada’s upcoming effort entitled “Please, Please, Please, Please, Please Change Your Underwear” is expected to be a resounding failure.