OTTAWA – Responding to an urgent need, high school dance chaperones from across the country have bravely volunteered to ensure that Canadians everywhere remain at least two metres apart from one another.
“Hey!” Kathleen Sullivan of St. Francis Secondary was heard shouting at two dog-walkers on her quiet suburban street. “That’s more like it,” she added, once the strangers stepped farther apart.
“I saw a lot of people on the internet who seemed to think that they could improve the situation just by posting an image of a park full of folks and writing an angry comment about it, and that’s when I knew I had to come out of retirement,” explained 86 year old Regine Francoeur, formerly of John XXIII Secondary, while wielding a metre-stick like a weapon.
Municipal politicians in communities across Canada have debated the merits of relying on police enforcement to make sure that people keep their distance from one another while out in public, but eventually, it was agreed that cities needed to call upon the authorities with the most experience in how much space to leave for the Holy Ghost.
“I was out jogging this morning, and I was about to jog right by some pedestrians,” stated one man who preferred not to be identified. “Suddenly I just felt these eyes staring at me, and I saw this old lady just slowly shaking her head. I felt such a sudden wave of guilt I knew I had to cut a wider path around them. I think I have to get a treadmill now.” The jogger would neither confirm nor deny whether he was listening to a playlist that was “sinful.”
While early reports seemed to indicate that the chaperones’ efforts were successful in maintaining appropriate social distancing while in public, some studies are indicating that those benefits have been offset by a steep rise in people making out behind the portables.